the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
