There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
