you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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