im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
