My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
