i barfeds in our rink
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
