@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
