whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Boobs are out for the taking
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
