Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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