I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
