i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
