Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
