I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Drunk is not a location!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize