i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
