Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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