i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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