she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
