Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ugly people sure do ruin things
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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