When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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