do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
