I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
