not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize