i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize