I feel great
I just peed on a car
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
