someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
