I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had to cum in my sink.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
