So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
