A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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