Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
