The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
