i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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