if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
