Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
