I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
