and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
