are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
