Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
