No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
