Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
