Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Randomize
