Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
