How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
