I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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