It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
