I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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