It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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