party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
