Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
