I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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