I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
