he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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