There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.