I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.