our cab driver is having phone sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too