She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.