I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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