Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Alive.
So much puke
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
