I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
