I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
